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40 year old virgin


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David: "Let me show you how this device works." Smart Tech Customer: "Right, I'm just looking for a cordless phone." David: "Yup, it's great. You can do anything, make video diaries. It's like, Hey, Amy, how's it going? How you feeling? I'm great. I feel fantastic since we broke up. I feel awesome!"
Size: 167KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 226
Previews: 216
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Jay: "My girlfriend Jill found your speed-dating card." Andy: "Oh, yeah, right. God, I've been looking for that speed-dating card. Thank you so much for bringing it to me." Jill (Erica Vittina Phillips): "So, you actually wrote that one girl looked like she was 'hurtin' for a squirtin'?" Andy: "Mmm-hmm. Yeah, hurtin' for a squirtin, i wrote that." Jill: "Oh, so you wrote, "hoe fo sho'?" Andy: "Yeah, I remember that girl, she was a ho... for show'"
Size: 264KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 386
Previews: 505
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Cal: "You know what's a fun game?" Andy: "Huh?" Cal: "You take three Excedrin PMs and you see if you could whack off before you fall asleep. You always win is the best part of the game."
Size: 114KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 315
Previews: 378
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Cal: "You need to stop fucking around with my friend, okay? Because you're giving him hope, and it's driving the man crazy!" Amy (Mindy Kaling): "I moved, I changed my email address, my phone number. Okay, he's practically stalking me." Cal: "Well, I didn't know all that. So, I'm sorry."
Size: 153KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 245
Previews: 243
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Gina (Mo Collins): "You're a good lookin' man." Andy: "Thank you." Gina: "Very pretty. Real soft, delicate features. They're real feminine, you know, which is good for me, because that would be a simple sort of transition. You know what I'm saying? Maybe throw a little rouge on you, tuck your sac back?"
Size: 155KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 280
Previews: 339
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Andy: "Take your porn with you." David: "I'm not taking it." Andy: "Take you're box-o-porn." David: "It is my gift to you." Andy: "No. I don't want it. David, it's not... Just-just..." David: "Andy, for the last time, I don't want your giant box of pornography!" Andy: "No, no, no! Come on, man. So uncool." David: "Uncool? Uncool is trying to give an honest man a big box of porn, Andy!"
Size: 246KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 273
Previews: 288
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David: "This is, uh, Everybody Loves Raymond. That's probably not supposed to... This is just a good show. I just tape it sometimes." Andy: "Well, I don't think you understand something, Dave. I don't-- I don't watch this stuff, okay? Because I don't do that, that much." David: "What, masturbate?" Andy: "Yeah." David: "Are you... Dude, I've jacked it twice since I've been here. Are you kidding me? Mhy not?" Andy: "It's not a hobby of mine."
Size: 233KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 205
Previews: 179
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David: "She was adoreable... fucking bitch."
Size: 41KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 487
Previews: 1284
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David: "Hey, man. Got a big box of porn for you."
Size: 25KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 600
Previews: 1139
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Trish: "(Phone rings) Hello?" Andy: "Hey, how you doing?" Trish: "Um, how you doing?" Andy: "I'm well." Trish: "Who is this?" Andy: "This is James. (He hits himself with the phone)" Trish: "James? Do I know you, James?" Andy: "I was wondering whether you had a few minutes to talk about a little laundry detergent." Trish: "Are you a telemarketer, James?" Andy: "Yep." Trish: "Are you at the top of a tall building? Can you get to a roof quickly? Jump off! I mean, you people are sick. Get a real fucking job, why don't you? Go shoot yourself in the fucking head. Hey, why don't you just, you know, get a knife and run into it? Why don't you do that, huh?" Andy: "Okay." Trish: "Alright, I'll see you later, James." Andy: "Nice to talk to you." Trish: "fuck your mother, okay? Bye-bye."
Size: 434KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 349
Previews: 247
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Cal: "Look at me. Looks are not important. Really look at me. I am ugly as fuck by traditional standards but I get with women. Aren't you curious as to how that's possible?" Andy: "I am not ugly as fuck." Cal: "I didn't say you were ugly as--" Andy: "Well, you implied it." Cal: "Okay, okay. It doesn't matter if you're ugly as fuck or you're ugly as shit."
Size: 217KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 229
Previews: 195
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Cal: "Waxing your chest is like the gayest thing you could possibly do. Okay?"
Size: 43KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 288
Previews: 617
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Cal: "There is a hot-ass girl who works right there. There she is, in the bookstore. You should ask her out, man." Andy: "There's something wrong with her underpants."
Size: 104KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 215
Previews: 220
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David: "You look like a man-o-lantern."
Size: 18KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 389
Previews: 1038
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Andy: "You know what, guys? This is not a good look for me!"
Size: 43KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 335
Previews: 574
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Andy: "Okay, here we go." Waxing Lady (Miki Mia): "Ready?" Andy: "No. Yup. Yup." Waxing Lady: "One, two, three." Andy: "Oh! Nipple fuck! Oh, Mika, you should burn in hell! Okay, alright. No, seriously, I think I'm done. I think we're done. I think that's good."
Size: 215KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 393
Previews: 697
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Andy: "Hold my hand." Cal: "Are you kidding me?" Andy: "Hold my goddamn hand, man!"
Size: 39KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 271
Previews: 547
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Andy: "(wax strip gets pulled off) No, Kelly Clarkson!"
Size: 25KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 955
Previews: 2221
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Andy: "(wax strip gets pulled off) Como se llama?"
Size: 12KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 499
Previews: 1810
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Andy: "(wax strip gets pulled off) Sweaty piehole!"
Size: 14KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 477
Previews: 1826
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Andy: "cocksucker motherfucker!"
Size: 26KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 756
Previews: 2099
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Andy: "(wax strip gets pulled off) fuck me in the assho oh oh oh..."
Size: 98KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 573
Previews: 1596
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Andy: "(wax strip gets pulled off) Sucka motherfucka! You shithead! Oh, I hate you! I hate you so much, you..."
Size: 99KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 555
Previews: 1389
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Andy: "(wax strip gets pulled off) Oh, you fucker! Ahhh!"
Size: 61KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 424
Previews: 1122
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Jay: "Bitch, get out the room! Bitch, get out the room!"
Size: 28KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 353
Previews: 1283
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Andy: "I can't." David: "Do it." Andy: "I can't pee in public." David: "Gotta do it." Andy: "I've got a mental block about it." David: "Come on, do it." Andy: "I'm shy! Ahhhhh! I'm peeing in public!"
Size: 162KB
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Downloads: 232
Previews: 237
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Andy: "When should I call her?" David: "You like her?" Andy: "Yeah." Cal: "Yeah, you definitely don't want to call her." Andy: "When is the next Olympics?"
Size: 68KB
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Downloads: 185
Previews: 138
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Trish (Catherine Keener): "This one looks pretty good." Andy: "Oh, you don't wanna buy that VCR." Trish: "I don't?" Andy: "No, actually to be totally honest with you, you don't wanna buy any VCR. It's a dead technology."
Size: 99KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 217
Previews: 85
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Nicky: "Home sweet home." Andy: "Yey. (She turns right into an oncoming car) Oh, mommy! (Panting) Are you okay?" Nicky: "The fucker came out of nowhere."
Size: 138KB
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Downloads: 244
Previews: 271
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Nicky (Leslie Mann): "Do you think I'm pretty?" Andy: "Oh, yes. Oh, god, yes!" Nicky: "You're not looking at me." Andy: "Yes, you're pretty." Nicky: "You're not looking at me." Andy: "Yes, you're pretty." Nicky: "Do you think I'm pretty?" Andy: "Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm." Nicky: "Look at me." Andy: "Mm-hmm." Nicky: "Look at me!" Andy: "I'm looking! You're pretty! You're pretty! God, I just wanna live!"
Size: 210KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 242
Previews: 240
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Jay: "You got to scope out a hot, drunk chick. And then you just make your move. Okay?" Andy: "Yes." Jay: "Alright. And remember, it's more important that she's drunk than she's hot."
Size: 97KB
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Downloads: 227
Previews: 187
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Andy: "Okay, how do I tell which ones are drunk?" Jay: "Now you're talkin'. Alright, check this out. You see this redhead over here?" Andy: "Where?" Jay: "With the big old titties?" Andy: "Uh, you know, I'm not just gonna stare at a woman." Jay: "Dawg, I-I'm not telling you to stare at nobody. I'm telling you to use your peripherals. Now look at me. See?" Andy: "Yeah." Jay: "Look. See? I'm not looking at you. Mm-mm. No. I'm looking at the--" Andy: "You're looking at her? What? What do you want me to do?" Jay: "I want you to use your peripherals. See? I'm not looking at you. Mm-mm. No. See, I'm looking at the redhead at 3:00 with the big titties. You see her, racked up right there, see her? See her?" Andy: "Yeah, yeah, yes." Jay: "Tell-- You find one with the peripherals, you find one." Andy: "Okay. You see, over by the post. It looks like a... it's either a ficus... it might be a rubber tree plant."
Size: 577KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 236
Previews: 172
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Jay: "That's how a tiger know he got to tackle a gazelle. There's a code written in his DNA. It says, 'Tackle the gazelle'" Andy: "Okay." Jay: "And believe it or not, in every man, there's a code written that says: 'Tackle drunk bitches.'"
Size: 121KB
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Downloads: 259
Previews: 257
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Andy: "Wow, this is, uh, pretty crowded." David: "Yeah, well, you know, it's $9 beer night."
Size: 59KB
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Downloads: 247
Previews: 370
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David: "She want to be some immature little bitch and blow everybody, that's... that's love, man." Andy: "It sounds horrible." David: "Of course it's horrible. It's suffering and it's pain and it's-- You know, you lose weight and then you put back on weight and then you, you know, you call them a bunch of times and you try and email and then they move or they change their email ..... that's just love."
Size: 215KB
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Downloads: 240
Previews: 135
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David: "I went out with this girl for four months and it was the greatest greatest thing in my life. Until she went down on this guy in an Escalade, I think. And, you know, instead of, like, saying: 'Okay, what am I doing that caused this behavior?' I dumped her. Stupid decision. I spent the last two years of my life regretting it." Andy: "Well, why don't you get her back right now?" David: "Oh, 'cause she's dating this pot dealer. Stupid horrible decision. But, hey, that's her journey, you know. I gotta respect that. I gotta give her the space. She want to be some immature little bitch and blow everybody, that's... that's love, man."
Size: 396KB
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Downloads: 219
Previews: 116
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David: "Hey, uh, Haziz, can you just give us a second? We're just kinda in the middle of something." Haziz (Shelley Malil): "Hey, I'm on my break, okay?" David: "Hey, bleep off, Haziz. Leave us alone, all right?" Haziz: "fuck off? bleep you!" David: "fuck you!" Haziz: "fuck you!" David: "fuck off." Haziz: "fuck off." David: "I'm gonna kick you in the nuts, asshole." Haziz: "Hey, hey, hey! Watch the language, okay? I have a family." David: "Watch how you talk to me!" Haziz: "Hey, it's a free contry, Bambi. I can smoke out here if I want to." David: "Smoke my pole!" Haziz: "You are a very unkind man." David: "Get inside!" Haziz: "This is not professional! I... Paula, this asshole over here..." David: "It's okay." Haziz: "Paula!"
Size: 347KB
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Downloads: 272
Previews: 324
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Andy: "You know what? I respect women. I love women. I respect them so much, that I completely stay away from them."
Size: 71KB
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Downloads: 273
Previews: 268
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Mooj: "It's not about fucking and balls and pussy. It's about love. It's about people. It's about connection." Andy: "It's all about connections." Mooj: "It's not about cock and ass and tits and butthole pleasures." Andy: "It's not about butthole pleasures at all." Mooj: "It's not about this rusty trombore and the dirty Sanchez." Andy: "Please stop." Mooj: "And the Cincinnati bowtie." Andy: "Mooj..." Mooj: "And the pussy juice cocktail and this-this shit-staind balls." Andy: "Mooj, just please stop."
Size: 305KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 627
Previews: 760
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Mooj: "Don't let him bother you. It's okay not to have sex. Not everybody is a pussy magnet. You are... what are you? 25?" Andy: "I'm 40." Mooj: "Holy shit, man. You've got to get on that."
Size: 133KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 330
Previews: 540
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Andy: "You know, I may not have had sex, but I could fuck you up. Yeah."
Size: 57KB
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Downloads: 313
Previews: 1170
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Andy: "Yeah, well, virgin's not a dirty word. You know what's a dirty word, is asshole and that's what you guys are."
Size: 57KB
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Downloads: 235
Previews: 613
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Andy: "You guys are so up your asses."
Size: 37KB
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Downloads: 311
Previews: 788
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Jay: "Dude, are you gay?" Andy: "No, I'm net gay. I've been with tons of women." Cal: "I touched a guy's balls at Hebrew school once." Jay: "Dude, it's not a big deal. You like to fuck guys. I'm cool. I got friends that fuck guys... in jail."
Size: 123KB
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Downloads: 258
Previews: 323
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Jay: "She talk dirty to you?" Andy: "Oh, she loved to dirty-talk. Totally into it. She'd be like: 'Yeah, let's screw, let's... I wanna fuck.' God, it was so dirty. She'd be like, 'Me so horny, me love you long time.' So..."
Size: 219KB
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Downloads: 310
Previews: 315
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Andy: "I don't kiss and tell." Jay: "fuck it, I raise you. Nastiest bleep you've ever done. I'm talkin' about nasty." Andy: "Uh, wow. So many stories are running through my head right now. I dated this girl for a while, and she was really a nasty freak. She just loved to get down with sex all the time. She was like, any time of day, she was like: 'Yeah, let's go. I'm so nasty!' And I'd be nailing her." Jay: "Oh, shit." Andy: "She'd be like: 'Oh, you're nailing me. Cool.'"
Size: 386KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 261
Previews: 227
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Jay: "You-you broke up two years ago. You, like, get over it at some point." Cal: "Two years, man." Andy: "You need to get past that, because, no ass is worth thinkin' that much about... I always say."
Size: 110KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 198
Previews: 98
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David: "Our souls were connected in this way, I can't describe it. Time stood still. It was like we were sharing the same heart." Jay: "Stop, man! Why do you always come and kill the vibe with those things? 'Sharing the same heart,' that's like some Britney Speas shit, man. This is three grown-ass men, don't nobody want to hear that shit." Andy: "Yeah, man, come on, nobody wants to hear that shit."
Size: 208KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 228
Previews: 89
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Cal: "She had the-- her tits were were unbelievable." Andy: "Oh, man, I love titties. So..."
Size: 49KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 285
Previews: 589
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Mooj: "Why did you invite this guy? He's a fucking ringer, man. This is hog shit. You, you're a fuckping asshole to tell me to come here. You tell me he was a nice guy, didn't you? Well, fuck you people, and fuck you, you and you, fucking kiss my big brown fucking ass, okay?" Jay: "I'm gonna see you tomorrow." Cal: "Peace" Jay: "Alright, man." Mooj: "fuck a goat!"
Size: 188KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 333
Previews: 468
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