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40 year old virgin


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french toast
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Man Buffing Floor (Joe Nunez): "Hey! I'm not gonna be done buffing the, uh, marble for about a half an hour, but, uh, you can come in and sit down if you want or wait in the lobby. It's okay. It's up to you. (He goes back to buffing)" Andy: "Dude, get the fuck out of here!"
Size: 228KB
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Downloads: 453
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Andy: "There were two sides of that bullboard. And they both hurt equally."
Size: 48KB
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Downloads: 418
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Trish: "What's this? This your date drug? Your roofie?" Andy: "It's a Mentos. They're 'The Freshmaker.'"
Size: 91KB
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Downloads: 597
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Andy: "This isn't what it looks like okay?" Trish: "What does this look like?" Andy: "A vagina." Trish: "And what do you do with this vagina?" Andy: "To learn. It's for medicinal purposes."
Size: 132KB
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Downloads: 514
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Andy: "Look, you guys, I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't even know who I am. All I know is that woman scares the shit out of me and I just wanna go home, okay?"
Size: 128KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 424
Previews: 1079
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Andy: "Wow, this is graphic."
Size: 30KB
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Downloads: 685
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Beth: "I wanna introduce you to my friend." Andy: "Your friend is so shiny." Beth: "This guy knows exactly what I like." Andy: "Where's your friend going?" Beth: "This is how I'm gonna warm up for you." Andy: "That's always good to warm up. You don't want to pull something."
Size: 310KB
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Downloads: 335
Previews: 932
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Andy: "(She gasps when she sees his waxed chest) Yeah. Oh, right! Okay, yeah. That was a fun day."
Size: 104KB
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Downloads: 330
Previews: 1347
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Andy: "Bow chicca, bow chicca, bow bow bow. Yeah! Huh huh!"
Size: 68KB
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Downloads: 1470
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Beth: "We could do it in the... butt if you want to." Andy: "But, if I want to what?" Beth: "Butt." Andy: "But, wha-- What, what?" Beth: "Do it." Andy: "Do it?" Beth: "What?" Andy: "I don't know what you're talking about." Beth: "Butt." Andy: "But..." Both: "What?"
Size: 266KB
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Andy: "Look at your bra and your breasts and everything. That's so great." Beth: "Yeah." Andy: "Wow! You know what? You're so hot. You're so hot." Beth: "I'm smoking hot." Andy: "I should-- YOu know what? I'm just going to have sex with you." Beth: "Yes! Let's have sex." Andy: "That's what's gonna happen." Beth: "That's why we're here." Andy: "That's totally what's going to happen."
Size: 209KB
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Downloads: 425
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Andy: "I hope you have a bug trunk, because I'm putting my bike in it."
Size: 37KB
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Downloads: 1280
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Beth (Elizabeth Banks): "You think we should take this party to my apartment or what?" Andy: "I am RSVPing yes."
Size: 94KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 315
Previews: 793
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Andy: "Hey, lookie, I can see through your shirt. Nice!"
Size: 54KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 545
Previews: 2073
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Andy: "Hey, hey, hey, hey, motherfucka!"
Size: 48KB
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Downloads: 2054
Previews: 5492
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Cal: "How much have you had to drink, man?" Andy: "Oh, how much have I had to drink? Hey, how many pots have you smoken?" Cal: "What are you talking about?" Andy: "Oh, how many times have you gone to the bathroom in your life? Let me ask you that. You know what, you don't have an answer for that, do you? Who the fuck you, man! I'm sorry. No, no, no, no, you're such a good guy, and I appreciate you."
Size: 212KB
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Downloads: 416
Previews: 887
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Andy: "You know the thing about relationships is that they make one person go 'blah blah blah blah blah.' And the other person go, 'What are you talking about?'. And then one person goes, 'blah blah blah blah blah.'"
Size: 134KB
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Downloads: 485
Previews: 727
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Andy: "I need genital to genital connection and that's all I need."
Size: 55KB
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Downloads: 780
Previews: 2222
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Andy: "I need some poon!"
Size: 41KB
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Downloads: 1170
Previews: 3699
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David: "(Cal flicks his nuts.) Did you just flick me in the nuts?" Cal: "No. I flicked you in the fleshy patch where your nuts used to be. (He flicks him again.)" David: "Ow! Quit flicking my balls, man." Cal: "Okay, I'll stop flicking your balls. But I'll start punching your nuts. (He punches him in the nuts and slaps his face.)" David: ""Oh! (Cal punches his shoulder) Okay. (Cal pinches his ear)" Cal: "Well played, sir."
Size: 253KB
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Downloads: 412
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Andy: "Okay, that's the way you want it. That's the way homie's gonna play it."
Size: 74KB
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Downloads: 449
Previews: 1609
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David: "It looks like the Dopplar radar." Jay: "Can you believ that? This child ain't even four months old. He ain't even four months old yet. Look at what he's packing." Mooj: "Everybody dick look big on 60-inch TV. My sister's dick looks big on TV, okay?"
Size: 143KB
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Downloads: 347
Previews: 563
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Paula: "Watch TV, I'll probably re-watch Gandhi." Cal: "Gandhi baked is good." Paula: "Yeah, isn't it?" Cal: "I always feel bad when I watch it baked 'cause I get really hungry and I'm eating a lot and poor Gandhi is..." Paula: "Starving." Cal: "...fucking starving his ass off the whole time." Paula: "I know. I know. I know."
Size: 125KB
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Downloads: 265
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Paula: "Do you have any weed?" Cal: "Yeah. I have--" Paula: "You do have some?" Cal: "Yeah." Paula: "Can you spare any or is it all spoken for?" Cal: "I mean, like what are we talking? Are we talking like a lot..." Paula: "Just enough to get me baked for like a week." Cal: "That's a lot of weed." Paula: "Yeah, well, I'm taking vaction next week, so..." Cal: "I'm not going anywhere. I'm gonna stay in my apartment..." Paula: "Just getting baked." Cal: "I wanna be baked the whole time."
Size: 219KB
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Downloads: 321
Previews: 551
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Health Clinic Counselor: "Uh, well, instead of intercourse, you could have outer-course." Marla (Kat Dennings): "Outer-course? Ugh, what's that?" Andy: "Yeah, what is that?" Health Clinic Counselor: "Well, outer-course is anything that isn't vaginal intercourse." Boy at Health Clinic (Nick Lashaway): "I prefer vaginal intercourse." Dad at Health Clinic (David Koechner): "He really does."
Size: 196KB
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Downloads: 282
Previews: 376
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Andy: "Is it true that if you don't use it, you lose it?" Health Clinic Counselor: "Is that a serious question?" Andy: "No, it wasn't." Health Clinic Counselor: "Okay."
Size: 72KB
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Downloads: 411
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Health Clinic Counselor (Nancy Walls): "Any questions?" Dad at Health Clinic (David Koechner): "Here's a cute story. I came home the other day and he was with his girlfriend in my marital bed doing things that are illegal in Alabama. Sex acts, right? Things that my wife won't do, okay?" Health Clinic Counselor: "Did you have a question?" Dad at Health Clinic: "How do I get my wife to do that?"
Size: 187KB
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Downloads: 324
Previews: 396
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Mooj: "Okay, but why every time schedule comes out, I get most early shift? It's bullshit. Nobody buys stereo at 10:00 in the morning." Andy: "No, I understand." Mooj: "People buy stereo between 6:00 and 8:00." Andy: "Mmm-hmm." Mooj: "Rich men get off work, then buy stereo." Andy: "Right." Mooj: "Not after fucking brunch." Andy: "Okay."
Size: 203KB
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Downloads: 331
Previews: 663
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Cal: "She likes you, man." David: "Too bad I retired my penis."
Size: 41KB
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Downloads: 342
Previews: 1210
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Andy: "Why'd you cheat on her?" Jay: "Because I'm insecure, you can't tell?"
Size: 37KB
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Downloads: 274
Previews: 573
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Smart Tech Customer (Kevin Hart): "I'm also gonna need the extended warranty on it for the price of... on the house. Hmm?" Jay: "That I can't do." Smart Tech Customer: "Now , don't be a negro. Be my nigga. Alright? Help me out." Jay: "Whoa, hold up. I ain't nobody's nigga." Smart Tech Customer: "Well, you're somebody's nigga wearing this nigga tie." Jay: "Now you being condescending." Smart Tech Customer: "Mm-hmm." Jay: "You've been warned, alright? Let's move forward amicably." Smart Tech Customer: "Okay, well, check this out. First of all, you're throwing too many big words at me. Okay, now because I don't understand them, I'm gonna take them as disrespect. Watch your mouth, and help me with the sale." Jay: "Okay, see, see, now you found yourself a nigga. You was looking for a nigga? Nigga here now. See?"
Size: 396KB
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Downloads: 546
Previews: 1030
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Mooj: "This is the bullshit of all bullshits! You scumbag! Ass kisser!"
Size: 44KB
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Downloads: 1051
Previews: 2735
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Andy: "And she has three kids. And one of her kids has a kid. You alright?" Cal: "Did you say she has three kids, one of whom has a kid?" Andy: "Yeah." Cal: "So, so, she's a grandma?" Andy: "No." Cal: "I'm not a doctor or anything like that but she's a fucking grandma." Andy: "Yeah, well, whatever, you know." Cal: "She's the hottest grandma I ever saw." Andy: "She is! She's a hot grandma." Cal: "That's a good-looking grandma. My grandma looks like Jack Palance." Andy: "Well, she's no Jack Palance." Cal: "No. If Jack Palance looked like that lady, I would want to fuck Jack Palance right now." Andy: "Yeah, me too."
Size: 365KB
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Downloads: 297
Previews: 317
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Andy: "I am going to tell her." Cal: "You should totally tell her." Andy: "I'm going to." Cal: "'Cause I watched this movie called Liar Liar and the message was, 'Don't lie.' And that was a smart movie."
Size: 104KB
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Downloads: 279
Previews: 622
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Andy: "What if-- What if she laughs at me, though?" Cal: "Then you punch her in the fucking head if she laughs." Andy: "I'm not gonna punch her in the head. She's really sweet." Cal: "No, ya-- I mean, you punch her in the fucking head emotionally."
Size: 111KB
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Downloads: 316
Previews: 403
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Cal: "Hey." Jay: "What's up, dawg? What happened? How was the date with Trish?" Andy: "Uh, it was a disaster." Cal: "Really?" Andy: "Yes, I've never been more embarrassed in my life. Couldn't get the condoms to work. And one of them exploded on my balls. And then her kid walked in the room."
Size: 172KB
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Downloads: 269
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Hotline Operator: "Hotline?" Andy: "Hi, yes, I'm calling because, uh, it's been more than four hours and your ad said to call if it's been more than four hours?" Hotline Operator: "Well, how much of the medicine have you taken, sir?" Andy: "Uh, I haven't taken any, but your ad said that if you've had an erection for more than four hours, you call." Hotline Operator: "Well, you're only supposed to call if you've taken the medicine." Andy: "Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I must not have heard that part." Hotline Operator: "Yes, If you haven't taken the medicine, uh, you don't call." Andy: "Rught, right, right, right, I'm sorry, right. There's um-- So, there's nothing you can do? I mean, I just don't wanna..." Hotline Operator: "There's nothing I can do. I am in Bombay, India." Andy: "Oh, okay. No, not you personally. I just don't want-- I just don't want to have an erection anymore." Hotline Operator: "Well, you know, you could have sex." Andy: "Okay, yup." Hotline Operator: "That's one thing people do when they have an erection." Andy: "Yeah, that's not an option. I don't have sex." Hotline Operator: "Uh, okay, well, then you can masturbate." Andy: "I'd rather not masturbate." Hotline Operator: "If you'd like the erection to go away, you can light a match, blow out the flame and put the hot ember on your wrist and that will focus the brain elsewhere and you will lose your erection." Andy: "Really, that'd work?" Hotline Operator: "Take your finger and flick your testicle and if you do that till it hurts your erection will go away." Andy: "Okay, alright." Hotline Operator: "It sounds unpleasant and it is. It is a trick we use in India." Andy: "Okay, those are all good pieces of advice. I really appreciate it."
Size: 883KB
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Downloads: 399
Previews: 650
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Trish: "Hey, wait. Do you have protection?" Andy: "I don't like guns."
Size: 33KB
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Downloads: 479
Previews: 1506
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David: "goddamn it! " Cal: "I'm rippin' your head off right now. It's off. And now I'm throwing it at your body. fuck you!" David: "Ah."
Size: 112KB
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Downloads: 327
Previews: 703
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David: "You know how I know that you're gay?" Cal: "How?" David: "You like the movie Maid in Manhattan." Cal: "You know how I know you're gay?" David: "HOw?" Cal: "I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once." David: "You know how I know that you're gay?" Cal: "How?" David: "You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says: 'I love it when balls are in my face.'" Cal: "That's gay?"
Size: 196KB
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Downloads: 859
Previews: 1074
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Trish: "Okay, what time do you want to pick me up?" Andy: "Um, uh, let's see. Um, that's actually kind of a problem because I ride a bike." Trish: "That's cool. Are you kidding me? I love getting on the back of a motorcycle. MY boyfriend in college drove a motorcycle. So, I mean, I'm cool." Andy: "Yeah. Yeah, I bet that was cool. I ride a bike-- bikes-- bikecycle-- bicycle." Trish: "Oh."
Size: 244KB
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Downloads: 278
Previews: 192
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David: "You know how I know you're gay?" Cal: "How? How do you know I'm gay?" David: "'Cause you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts." Cal: "You know how I know you're gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women anymore." David: "You know how I know you're gay?" Cal: "How? 'Cause you're gay and you can tell who other gay people are?" David: "You know how I know you're gay?" Cal: "How?" David: "You like coldplay. Oh, you're dead. You're dead." Cal: "Come on. Leave my torso alone at least."
Size: 249KB
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Downloads: 661
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Cal: "So you're gay now?" David: "No, I'm not gay. I'm just celibate." Cal: "I think, I mean, that sounds gay. I just want you to know that this is, like, the first conversation of, like, three conversations that leads to you being gay. Like, there's this and then in a year it's like, 'Oh, you know, I'm kind of going to wanna get back out ther, but I think I like guys.' And then there's the big, 'I'm-I'm-- I'm a gay guy now.'" David: "You're gay for saying that."
Size: 255KB
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Downloads: 419
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David: "Look at him, he looks younger than all of us, but he's 10 years older. Why? It's 'cause he's never had a relationship. No she-devil sucked his life force out yet."
Size: 95KB
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Downloads: 310
Previews: 327
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Jay: "So you saying she was definitely a man?" Andy: "Yes." Jay: "Okay, well, how do you know that she was a man?" Andy: "Because her hands were as big as Andre the Giant's. And she had an adams apple as big as her balls." Jay: "So you have no proof."
Size: 142KB
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Downloads: 339
Previews: 367
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Cal: "You got a hummer from the tranny, didn't you?"
Size: 21KB
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Downloads: 492
Previews: 1535
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Haziz: "So, uh, tell me, Montel, why weren't we invited to the party? What are we, Al-Quaeda?" Jay: "No, hold up, it's..." Mooj: "No, no, no." Jay: "It's not that kind of party, y'all." Mooj: "Shh. Shh. You're not coming to our fucking party either, okay? fuck you, okay?" Jay: "First of all, it ain't that kind of party, alright?" Mooj: "Go fuck a goat?" Haziz: "Yeah!" Jay: "Why you always telling me to fuck a goat, man?" Mooj: "fuck a goat!"
Size: 207KB
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Downloads: 533
Previews: 935
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Jill: "That's how you talk?" Andy: "You know what, I don't have to answer to you. You ain't my bitch. Know what I saying? So, bleep, man. fuck it." Jill: "You shouldn't even be hanging out with this pervert." Jay: "I don't hang out with him. I work with him and that's it. I tried to introduce him to a few new people, he made a fool of himself. I don't mess with him, baby. That's not me." Andy: "You should keep your ho on a leash." Jay: "Oh, Bro, I can't let you--" Andy: "Hey, hey, hey." Jay: "I can't let you be talking to my woman like that, dawg." Andy: "Hey." Jay: "Know what I'm saying?" Andy: "Bitch is running wild, man."
Size: 279KB
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Downloads: 440
Previews: 658
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Jill: "You are never gonna meet anybody with that kind of mentality about women, you sick son of a bitch." Andy: "Who-- Who the fuck are you to put me on trial. I've never even met you. So why don't you back the shit off, alright? And stop with the inquisition."
Size: 127KB
Format: WAV
Downloads: 327
Previews: 498
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